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My Journey

My personal blog sharing my journey to my dream life.

finding financial freedom

My Journey

May 2021 Blogging And Finding Financial Freedom Update

my dream life

My Journey

Journey To My Dream Life

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In my first conception journey navigating multiple

In my first conception journey navigating multiple back to back early miscarriages, my mental health took a toll. I fell into a depression + ended up having to take a mental health leave from work to get my life back in order

I found myself desperately looking for spiritual guidance and connection to my little spirit babe through my local medium @awakenmedium

I desperately needed mental health support not realizing the toll it was taking on me

I desperately needed tools in how to support myself emotionally as I navigated uncertainty

As a mother to a four year old daughter who has navigated many more miscarriages on my 2nd conception journey, I've finally decided it was time to bring this community I once craved to life!

Your fertility journey is a sacred path, but it can also be an emotionally challenging one. If you're feeling the weight of uncertainty, longing for connection, or seeking a supportive community that truly understands, this space is for you

As someone who has navigated the heartbreak of multiple miscarriages, the toll it took on my mental health and the search for spiritual connection, I know how deeply this journey can impact every aspect of your being

Join me for an evening designed to nurture your mental, emotional + spiritual well-being

Together, we’ll;

✨Move through somatic practices like breathwork and emotional freedom technique to release emotional tension + ground in the present
✨Experience a hypnotic meditation to connect with your inner Self and open the channel to your spirit baby for guidance + messages
✨Receive a special meditation curated by @awakenmedium , offering a tool you can revisit anytime to call forward your spirit baby and deepen your connection

This is more than a gathering - it’s a safe + supportive space to process, release and find clarity in the unknown. It’s about honoring your journey, your emotions and the sacred relationship with your future child

Comment or DM "fertility" + I'll send you the link!

Know someone who might need this space? Share this with them so they don’t have to walk this journey alone. Together, we can create a community where no one feels they have to suffer in silence 💛

I was busy finishing getting us packed + ready so

I was busy finishing getting us packed + ready so we could get out the door

She walked down the hallway and says..

"Mama, I had a whoopsies..."

I stopped what I was doing to look at her..

Her sweater dress basically looked like she just did a color run and the powder covered the entire front

It was a moment of "this feels overstimulating af + I feel like I could lose my shit"

Part of me wanted to make a remark, but I took a nice big deep belly breathe instead - immediately I felt lighter, I had me

I told her to give me a second to figure out what to do

(I mean in my defense blood had just literally left brain when I felt frustrated and recative, I got dumber so I could fight flight freeze, by taking that deep belly breathe I literally just got blood back in brain so I'm getting my critical thinking and creativity back online it's just taking a minute!!)

I grabbed a chair, brought her to the laundry room sink, washed her hands, carefully pulled the dress off, threw it on the quick cycle, grabbed the vacuum + went to where it all happened, got her redressed and cleaned the floor the best I could

Somehow we were ready to hit the road right on time

No fighting, she even gave me a hug and said "thanks mama!"

To be fair.. it hasn't always been this way

In the past the frustration + overwhelm of the moment would have taken right over + I would have reacted in a way I would have felt bad about later...

I would have said "what the hell did you do?!"

Or got upset and say "that's it, you're make-up is going in the garbage!"

I would have gotten impatient with her, frantically trying to clean it up to get out the door in time and she most certainly would have gotten upset

I would have gotten even more irritated saying more things out of frustration because it would have slowed us down even more

I would have eventually apologized but these moments held me captive

But not anymore

I've learned how to break these cycles and create calm connected moments-even in the chaos🧘

If you're on your own journey of breaking cycles and wanting calmer, more connected moments, join me in my upcoming Motherhood UN/divided Circle! Comment or DM "undivided" for the link 🌱

But when I zoom out on the entire day, 98% of it w

But when I zoom out on the entire day, 98% of it was filled with me showing up exactly as I want to. Loving, patient, present.

Yet that isn't what is flooding my mind

So why does the 2% feel so much louder?

Is it because Motherhood is filled with impossible standards? Whether it's the pressure externally but also my own impossible standards as I look to heal my perfectionism ways that were really just coping mechanisms..

Or maybe it's because I care so much about getting it right that when I get it *wrong* it's become an internal threat?

Then there’s the guilt + shame I feel about how I behaved, which is really just energy wanting to cause a different behavior..

A conditioned response I had learned over time, mostly as a child, when I've behaved in a way that was misaligned but also when I chose to honor myself and make choices that felt aligned for me but went against what others wanted

And in this case, I've behaved in a way that felt misaligned

The problem with guilt + shame is that it's misguided, it keeps my attention on the problem rather then the intention and solution

Like reflecting on when the irritation first crept in and what I needed in order to support myself so I could have responded with more intention..

But what if I zoom out even more?

Five, ten, fifteen years from now...

It's important to acknowledge my missteps, yes - but it's equally as important to celebrate the moments I got it right.

What if trusted that the 98% - the love, the patience, the present, the effort to repair even when I got it wrong - mattered so much more then the 2% ever could?

What was a moment yesterday where you felt you got it right?

#motherhood #motherhoodstruggles #traumaresponse #cptsd #innerchildhealing #emotionalintelligence #momguilt #cyclebreaker #generationaltrauma #generationaltraumahealing #mindfulmom

To be fair, it was only a couple days after Christ

To be fair, it was only a couple days after Christmas

We've been transitioning her where every 2nd night she falls asleep on her own. Which really means we set a timer, she picks how long, &we come check on her so she knows we're coming

This was one of those nights

She had interrupted SO many times before the timer went off, I was getting frustrated

"Mama, I want jammies"

"I'm too hot!"

"I just wanted to say I love you!"

After I was leaving her room for what felt like the 8th time I felt the frustration creeping higher, I made a B line straight to my room to do some EFT tapping

"Even though I feel like losing my shit I deeply + completely love + accept myself"..

I felt dialed down, I was confident I could manage a calm response

She called me back before the timer "Mama, I need to tell you something!"

I could feel the frustration, the tenseness in my chest

I walked into her room, irritated "what is it now Haedyn? It's bedtime + the timer hasn't gone off yet"

She asks "how do butterflies sleep?"

I'm irritated as hell, "I have no idea, this isn't the time to be talking about this stuff, it's bedtime. We can talk about it tomorrow."

As soon as it left my mouth it felt.. off

This didn't match the kind of patience I want to meet her in

It also hit something deep within me..

So I pivoted "how do you think they sleep?"

I knew the impatience I felt, I was dysregulated - blood left brain +I just got dumber which wasn't going to help me

I started focusing on somatic breathing while laying beside her, my focus to create safety in my body + get out of a survival response

I could feel myself slowly coming back

In that moment I had a flashback. I was once in her shoes, my response was mirroring to me the emotional connection I had recieved when I was a child

Frustration. Irritation. Dysregulation. Disconnection.

By regulating in the thick of it, it helped me meet the little me who had felt that disconnect all those years ago & create a sense of regulation/safety in my body in similar situations, like this one

I got to rewrite the narrative, to integrate an unmet need & create the kind of emotional connection I want in those moments CONT IN COMMENTS👇

It was a warm spring day, the last day to go skido

It was a warm spring day, the last day to go skidooing & he wanted to go

He promised he'd be back for the plans we had as a family by 4pm, left it tight but it'd be fine

Well, it was 4pm and I couldn't hear him at all

I could feel my heart start to pick up the pace

The anger was starting the build

It was 4:10, he still wasn't home and still couldn't hear him

At this point, I was PISSED

Had he walked in I would have completely lost it

I felt slighted, disrespected and hurt

Our plans were made before his and he was already cutting it close

The amount of anger I remember thinking, does this actually belong because this feels extreme

So I placed a hand over my heart and took some deep belly breathes to try to calm myself

What came next surprised me

All of a sudden I could see a much younger me, about eight years old feeling so incredibly hurt, confused and betrayed

It was the day I found my biological father said he didn't want to be in my life anymore

All of a sudden I started to ugly cry and the tears wouldn't stop rolling

The anger began dissolving

My husband running late, doing things without me - up until this point was bringing me right back to that moment

Salt on the ol' abandonment wound

Except I didn't realize it was an abandonment wound, I thought it was actually my husband

From that moment forward, him going out without me

Or being late, or not checking in

Doesn't even bother me anymore, in the slightest

We haven't fought about it since before this happened

& I genuinely look forward to these times he's gone

I had NO idea how much my unresolved emotions & trauma were playing into the conflict I was experiencing with my husband

It's completely changed the way we get to connect

And it's my mission for every mom to have harmonious and loving relationships with their husband's where they feel confident and secure

Want to know what lies beneath the conflict you're facing?

By pausing to regulate in the moments emotions hit hard, has helped me gain clarity + rewrite these moments

Want support in doing that too?

Grab my FREE (for now) Regulated AF Masterclass! Comment or DM "regulated" and I'll send you the link! 🖤

I finally said "that's enough!" As soon as the wo

I finally said "that's enough!"

As soon as the words left my mouth I realized.... I was doing the EXACT same thing

I've been sneaking in doing taxes while she's occupied

Then more tax things

And then I was going to be done but then.. more then decided just one more tax thing...

Well I'll be. It wasn't her I was irritated but myself 🥴

The next time you feel the pull of frustration, pause. Take a breath. And ask yourself.. 'What is this mirroring back to me?'

You might just discover a powerful moment to shift, reconnect, and lead with intention 🌱

#motherhood #mindfulmom #consciousmom #consciousparenting #selfreflection #selfcompassion #innerchildhealing #cyclebreakers #generationaltrauma #shadowhealingjourney

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